5 crucial strategies for effective parenting
© 2016 Gwen Dewar, Ph.D., all rights reserved
Aggression in children can take many forms:
hitting, kicking, or biting; hot-headed outbursts that destroy property;
cool-headed bullying; verbal attacks; attempts to control others through
threats or violence.
What sets children off?
In some cases, kids lash out because they're frustrated by a
problem that's too big for them. They haven't yet learned how to control their
impulses, or work out conflicts in socially acceptable ways.
In other cases, kids may be wrestling with special
difficulties -- like stressful life events, emotional regulation problems,
attention deficits, autistic symptoms, or hyperactivity.
Yet in all cases -- even where children have been diagnosed
with serious conduct disorders -- adults can have a powerful influence.
Aggression doesn't happen because we're programmed to
respond to the world with hostility. We all have the capacity to behave
aggressively. Whether or not we do it depends on how we perceive the world. Aggressive
tendencies are shaped by environmental conditions -- the pressures, threats,
opportunities, and consequences that children experience. By tweaking these
conditions, we can improve behavior and change the course of development.
That doesn't mean it's your fault if your child is acting
out. Genetic factors put some kids at higher
risk for trouble. So do prenatal factors and early life stress. Stress
experienced during childhood can reprogram the way your genes function, and these
epigenetic changes can passed along to the next generation (Provençal et al
2013). A baby might be born with certain genes "switched off" --
because of stressors his parents encountered when they were growing up.
Kids are also influenced by environmental forces outside the
home. Peers, teachers, neighborhoods, media messages, ideologies, and cultural
factors all play a role -- and their effects may vary depending on your child's
But whatever factors put
kids at risk, there is nothing inevitable about the outcome. When caregivers
get the help they need, they can have a big impact. Randomized, controlled
studies show that aggressive kids change trajectory when parents get practical training
and moral support (Furlong et al 2013; Piquero et al 209; Shellby and Shaw 2015; Waller et al 2013).
The interventions work,
in part, because parents learn specific tactics for handling aggression. But
they also work because parents learn to change their outlook.
Struggling with a
child's behavior problems is stressful and demoralizing. It saps your
resilience, your sense of optimism, competence, and goodwill. It can redefine
the parent-child relationship in a destructive way, and lead you into thinking
thoughts that undermine your ability to cope: they fuel conflict and make behavior
Replace these toxic
mental habits with positive, constructive, problem-solving thoughts, and you can
stop bad behavior before it erupts (Dittman et al 2016; Furlong et al 2013; Shellby
and Shaw 2014).
So whether children are merely
going through the "terrible twos," or struggling with more difficult
problems, we should take heart: With the right tools, we can turn things around.
Here are evidence-based
tips for handling aggression in children, presented in two parts. The first part
concerns adjusting your outlook as a parent. The second part, which I'll post
later, concerns practical tactics for teaching kids to master their negative
Tips for adjusting your outlook -- and becoming a more confident, effective parent
1. Don't take it personally.
When your child fails to
comply with a request, it's easy to feel disrespected. It's easy to feel targeted
when your child flies into a rage. But these emotional reactions, however
natural, are wrong-headed.
First, kids don't
process emotions and information the way adults do (see below). If your child
is very young, there's a lot she doesn't understand about her own feelings, let
alone yours. If your child is older, it's still likely that your child's
misbehavior reflects impulsivity or incompetence-- not malice.
suggests that our pessimistic social beliefs -- the tendency to attribute
hostile intentions where none exist -- can become a self-fulfilling prophesy.
People who assume the worst tend to provoke negative behavior from others. And
parents who make hostile attributions can end up creating the very problems
they want to solve.
In one study, mothers
who made hostile attributions about their toddlers were more likely, three and
half years later, to have children with aggressive behavior problems. The link
remained significant even after the researchers controlled for pre-existing
child difficulties, as well as the negative parenting behavior that tends to go
accompany hostile attributions (Healy et al 2015). Reminding yourself not to
take it personally isn't just good for your mood. It's good for your
relationship, and good for your child's long-term development.
2. Get realistic expectations about your child's ability to follow
rules and comply with requests.
Young children have
shorter attention spans, and they are easily distracted. They take more time to
process verbal instructions. Their working memory capacities -- the sheer
number of things they can keep in mind at any given moment -- are more limited.
Learning new information, and adapting to a change of rules or procedure, may
take longer than you realize (Lee et al 2015). Young children require more
practice than older kids do, and older kids need more practice than adults (Yim
et al 2013).
So when we issue
directions, we shouldn't expect young children to respond quickly and
efficiently. They work a slower speed, and it's harder for them to transition
from one activity to the next. They need us to provide them with clear, simple
directions, and then give them the extra time they need to switch gears.
Older children can
handle more complexity and speed, but their attention spans, working memory
capacities, impulse control, and task-switching skills are still developing. By
tuning into your child's pace and abilities -- and providing patient, calm
reminders -- you reshape the task into one he's got the equipment to solve. And
your child will get to experience the social and emotional rewards for
cooperating -- a crucial experience for his long-term development. You invest
more time, but it's an investment that will pay off.
3. Get realistic expectations about the development of empathy and
kids are still learning about emotions -- how to regulate their own moods and
read the minds of others. Dependent, inexperienced, and vulnerable, young
children are more easily threatened, and thus more likely focus on protecting
their own interests (Li et al 2013). Older kids, too, may respond this way if
they perceive the world to be hostile or unjust.
And some kids are at a physiological
disadvantage. They have the ability to learn about social signals, but their
brains don't reward them as much for doing so (Davies et al 2011; Sepeta et al
2012). As a consequence, kids are less likely to learn on their own. They need
So while your child's
behavior might look selfish, that doesn't mean she's incorrigibly
self-absorbed. Children demonstrate a capacity for empathy and kindness from a
very early age. When they fail to show concern for others, it's often because
they perceive the situation differently, or don't know how to control their
impulses. They need opportunities to learn -- by developing secure
relationships with us; talking about their feelings and the emotional signals
of others; and observing positive role models, and growing up in an environment
that rewards self-control and cooperation.
4. Focus on maintaining a positive relationship.
Researchers see families fall into a common trap:
When kids misbehave frequently,
parents tend to focus on all those daily conflicts. They feel obliged to answer
every offense with criticism or punishment, and end up with a relationship
that's mostly characterized by negative exchanges.
It's a grim outcome, and
it's also counter-productive. Studies suggest that kids are more likely to
learn desirable social skills when we provide them with positive feedback for
making good choices -- not threats and punishments for doing the wrong thing. Moreover,
a diet of negativity can make kids become more defiant. Negative parenting can lead to a downward spiral of misbehavior, punishment,
retaliation, more punishment, and more misbehavior (Cavell et al 2013).
How do you stay calm and
upbeat? It isn't easy, not if your child seems stuck in "defiance mode."
You'll need social support, and maybe some professional advice. But the first
step is reorganizing your priorities (Cavell et al 2013). Maintaining positive relations is more
important than prosecuting every failure. Sometimes you need to choose your
battles. For more information, see my upcoming tips for handling aggressive or
5. Don't sacrifice your own psychological well-being.
Dealing with behavior
problems is very stressful, and stress hurts. It makes us ill, clouds our
thinking, and damages relationships. It's contagious -- even young infants pick
up on our negative moods. And when parents are stressed out, it adds fuel to
the fire: Their children's behavior problems tend to get worse.
So addressing your own
well-being shouldn't be an after-thought, a luxury to be put off until your
child's behavior problems improve. It's a pressing issue, a central player in
the crisis. For help, see these tips for coping with parenting stress, and don't
hesitate to seek professional advice from a therapist trained to handle
aggressive behavior in children.
For more information about handling aggression and other disruptive behavior, see these evidence-based tips. In
addition, see these articles for improving behavior:
References: Aggression in children
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Top image of angry girl by Luis Marina / flickr
Image of mother and child by FennecCooper / flickr
Image of girl and teddy bear: istock
Content of "Aggression in children last modified 1/2016