Parenting stress damages your well-being, and it may alter the course of your child's development. How does stress affect parenting, and what can we do about it?
Do children bring happiness or strife?
That's what S. Katherine Nelson and her colleagues wanted to know. They had seen conflicting studies on the subject, surveys that came to opposite conclusions.
And the researchers were pretty sure they knew why.
It must depend on stress -- the negative emotions, relationship tensions, sleep troubles, and financial pressures that parents experience.
So they took a deeper look, reviewing nearly one hundred published studies, and what they learned was this:
Parents are happier than their childless counterparts when the burden is relatively light.
They are happier with their kids have easy temperaments, and when their kids don't have behavior problems or medical conditions.
They are happier when they have high levels of social support, and they are happier in their later years, when the kids have grown up and left the nest (Nelson et al 2014; Nelson et al 2013).
But otherwise it's a wash, or else parents tend to feel worse.
What determines the worse? Any one of these conditions:
And, as researchers found when they compared life in 22 different Western countries (Glass et al 2016), parents also experience a happiness gap when
It's hardly a surprising checklist. Each of these factors can put the squeeze on parents, and the trouble doesn't end there.
That's because stress is contagious.
For instance, as I explain in another article, we know that infants can "catch" stress from their parents.
In an experiment where researchers deliberately stressed mothers -- by having them deliver a speech to a disapproving, critical audience -- the stress spread to babies, too. Once reunited with their mothers, babies began to mirror their mothers' distressed heart rhythms.They also became more inhibited around strangers (Waters et al 2014).
Such research is consistent with other studies that show a link between adult stress in the home and infant physiology (Towe-Goodman et al 2012; Graham et al 2013).
When babies grow up listening to frequent, angry arguments -- including spats overheard while they sleep -- they're likely to experience higher spikes of the stress hormone cortisol and increased activity brain regions linked with the processing of distressing emotions (Read more about it here.)
It's not hard to imagine how such reactions could amplify a parent's stress.
In the heat of the moment, your parenting stress triggers a negative reaction in the baby, which then stresses you even more.
And what about the long-term?
Experiments on nonhuman animals suggest that chronic exposure can change the way a baby develops.
Pressure a mother rat -- by making her think a hostile male lurks nearby -- and her babies will grow more slowly, eventually becoming adults prone to anxiety and stress-related disease (Nephew and Bridges 2011; Moles et al 2008).
Overtax a mother monkey -- by putting her on an erratic foraging schedule -- and her babies will show less interest in play and exploration. As adults, they will be less social, and they may end up with smaller brain volume in several regions of the cerebral cortex and hippocampus (Meyer and Hamil 2014).
Developmental research on humans is observational, not experimental, so when we find links between parenting stress and long-term outcomes, we're less certain about causation.
Did the parent's stress cause problems in the child? Is the parent stressed-out because her child has problems? Or is there a third factor, something that causes trouble for both family members?
It's hard to know, but given what we've learned from animal experiments, we've got reason to think that parenting stress can be a cause as well as an effect.
And in studies where researchers tracked the development of human children over time, they found that parental stress preceded child behavior problems.
Kids tended to act up after their parents began to experience intense stress (Neece and Baker 2008; Baker et al 2003; Thomason et al 2014).
Other research helps connect the dots.
The quick answer is that stress tends to make us less sensitive, less able to tune into our children's thoughts, feelings, and needs.
Cognitive neuroscientists have actually observed this at the level of brain activity.
As I explain in an article about baby communication, parents and their infants can experience a kind of "mind-meld." During social interactions, their brain activity patterns mirror each other. The same parts of their brains become active at the same time.
But when parents are stressed-out, they are less likely to experience this mind-meld, and this may make it harder for parents to pick up on their children's emotional cues (Azhari et al 2019).
Then there is evidence from behavioral research.
When Melissa Sturge-Apple and her colleagues studied the interactions between mothers and toddlers, they found that stressed-out parents were prone to one of two reactions.
1. Some mothers became hyper-reactive when their toddlers were upset.
Their heart rates spiked, and they took a long time to bounce back. They tended to be more snappish, hostile, or controlling towards their kids.
2. Other mothers -- very often, mothers who had themselves grown up with chronic stress -- reacted as if they were burnt-out.
When their toddlers were distressed, these mothers seemed relatively disengaged and unsupportive (Sturge-Apple et al 2011).
Either way, stress made mothers less sensitive and responsive, and kids got less help coping with their emotional troubles.
Perhaps, too, these hassled and worn-out parents made fewer attempts to show physical affection at home, resulting in missed opportunities to improve family relationships and help kids bounce back.
As I note elsewhere, studies indicate that emotional warmth and nurturing touch can counteract the effects of toxic stress on the growing brain (Meaney 2001; Sharp et al 2012; Luby et al 2013).
Put it all together, and we might get a family environment capable of reprogramming the way a child's genes work, altering the development of the stress response system.
This process has been documented in rats, and recent research suggest it happens in humans too:
Parenting stress during early childhood has been linked with epigenetic changes, environmentally-triggered alterations that "turn off" key segments of the DNA and put kids at higher risk for stress-related problems (Essex et al 2011).
It seems, then, that parenting stress can lead to a cascade of trouble. What can we do about it?
Anticipating problems can be a good thing when it allows us to plan ahead and avoid trouble. Guilt can motivate us to avoid repeating mistakes (Tangney et al 2007).
But these feelings become maladaptive when we overreact, hold ourselves to unrealistic standards, or get distracted from finding practical solutions.
For conscientious parents, worry and guilt may be a major cause of stress.
What we really need is to make parents feel better -- competent, calm, secure, empowered, supported, and inspired.
One step is to help parents find practical ways to keep their high-strung babies calm and emotionally healthy. See my Parenting Science guide to coping with a stressed-out infant.
But overtaxed parents also need help making their own well-being a priority.
For coping advice, see my practical, evidence-based tips for coping with parenting stress.
And if you've recently had a baby, take stock of your mental health. Postpartum stress is a common problem, and so, too, is postpartum depression.
For more information, see my article about postpartum stress, and this Parenting Science guide to postpartum depression symptoms.
Azhari A, Leck WQ, Gabrieli G, Bizzego A, Rigo P, Setoh P, Bornstein MH, Esposito G. 2019. Parenting Stress Undermines Mother-Child Brain-to-Brain Synchrony: A Hyperscanning Study. Sci Rep. 69(1):11407.
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Content of "Parenting stress" last modified 2/2020
Title image of mother with infant by globalmoments / istock
Image of father and stubborn child by fizbes / istock
Image of mother and infant macaque: Asman and Lenoble / wikimedia